Saturday, December 5, 2009

Jesus Hates Tim Tebow and the Florida Gators

     Tim Tebow, Heisman winning quarterback of the Florida Gators, isn't only known for his football skills.  At every game, he wears a different bible passage on his cheeks, as if saying that Jesus blessed him and was responsible for his success after each of the twenty-two straight wins before tonight wasn't enough to prove his Christianity (and Calvinistic beliefs) to all of us football worshipers.

     Well, tonight, St. Timmy fell from Jesus' graces.  Perhaps it was Tebow's choice of scripture that finally pissed off the football-obsessed Christian savior of the universe.

     For you heathens out there, John 16:33 states "But take courage.  I have conquered the world."

     Perhaps, St. Timmy was getting ahead of himself there with that self-deification, because as sports-Christians know, Jesus is a fair-weather fan.

     To punish St. Timmy for his violation of the First Commandment, Jesus stirred up a celestial smackdown at the hands of newly anointed Pigskin God: the Alabama Crimson Tide's Mark Ingram.

     When asked by a CBS sports reporter, "What was the key [to winning] tonight?"  Ingram responded:
     First of all, I just wanna thank god, you know.  I'm so blessed.  And sometimes you gotta let go and let god work for you and that's what I did tonight.  I just gotta give him all praise and glory!
     Let go and let god?  Thanks for that flashback to 1970s' backwoods retreat wisdom.  I was waiting for Ingram to break into song, not Kumbaya (too cliche), but something even more histrionic like "Pass It On."  After all, it only took a spark to get the Crimson Tide going.

     Ingram went on to refer to the Crimson Tide's win over the Gators as "redemption."  Translation: "Jesus hates the Florida Gators and St. Timmy Tebow."

     I just love that the Christian god and I share something in common: a love of football and a loathing of scripture-sporting and overcompensating crybaby quarterbacks.

     Hey, St. Timmy, I have a scripture passage for you: Proverbs 24:9.
"Beyond intrigue and folly and sin, it is arrogance that men find abominable."

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

And why would Jesus hate the Gators you ask? Because an aligator looks a lot like a snake, and it was the snake who tempted the woman to sin in the garden and she tempted the man (who of course, would have remained sinless were it not for her damnable influence).

Think about it: the Crimson Tide is a metaphor for the surging, splashing, swelling flood of the blood of Jesus. No, not Kumbayah - instead "There is a fountain filled with blood drawn from Emmanuel's veins. And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains!"

Now that, St. Timmy Tebow should have known!!!!!!!

afroturf101 said...

Sorry to say this, but ya the guy was upset, he lost a streak that defined his career. Thus, anyone in such a position would be upset, and im sorry the FIRST COMMANDMENT? LMAO that is what you go with, how about by posting all this junk about him and saying that he broke this he shouldnt have done that...you consider this passage
"You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:5....so before you get high and mighty think before judging someone and find our own mistakes, i have pointed out simply one, and you can find the rest that you may one day correct what you have just written here. im sure you will claim that what i am doing is judging however i am defending a judgment against another, and might i add, that the bible says that if you have a problem with another to confront them directly instead of cowering and spreading false judgments, as i am now posting directly to you. you have a problem with tebow then tell him yourself coward. remove the phylactery from your head as you are nothing but a pharisee.

afroturf101 said...

"You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:5....so before you get high and mighty think before judging someone and find our own mistakes, i have pointed out simply one, and you can find the rest that you may one day correct what you have just written here. im sure you will claim that what i am doing is judging however i am defending a judgment against another, and might i add, that the bible says that if you have a problem with another to confront them directly instead of cowering and spreading false judgments, as i am now posting directly to you. you have a problem with tebow then tell him yourself coward. remove the phylactery from your head as you are nothing but a pharisee.