Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The 12th Hate of Christmas: The Song, "Twelve Days of Christmas"

     The 12th Hate of Christmas According to Heretic Doctor de la Mรบsica:

     I hate the song “Twelve Days of Christmas. You know, the one that goes:
     On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me: a pink faux-leather New Testament with Psalms and the Words of Jesus in red.
     On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me: two gospel songbooks, and a pink faux-leather New Testament with Psalms and the Words of Jesus in red.
     On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me: three deities, two gospel songbooks, and a pink faux-leather New Testament with Psalms and the Words of Jesus in red.
     On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: four contradictory evangelists, three deities, two…
     On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: five golden endless circles symbolizing the eternal love between one man and one woman in the holy bonds of matrimony (one for each of my former wives, and the one I have now is not my wife), four contradictory evangelists…three deities…
     On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: six preachers lying, five golden endless circles…and the Words of Jesus in red.

     On the seventh day of Christmas my true love rested and I didn’t get a damned new thing.
     On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: eight lactating virgins, no new damn thing, six preachers lying…
     On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: nine ladies who wouldn’t dance in fear that their lascivious movement would provoke sinful lust, eight lactating virgins, no new damn thing…in red.
     On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: ten Lords leaping over one another to be the only true Lord of the Universe, nine ladies not dancing, eight lactating…

     On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me: eleven skin-flute players piping (now THERE’S  a gift I can use!!!!), ten Lords leaping over one another, nine ladies, eight lactating – whew, I need a rest
     On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle’s Creed, eleven faithful Apostles, ten commandments, nine fruits of the Spirit, eight beatitudes, seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, six days of creation, the Pentateuch, the Four Gospels, the Three Theological Virtues (faith, hope and love), the Two Testaments, (Old & New), and a pink, faux-leather New Testament with Psalms and the Words of Jesus in red.
I Hate Christmas!



     And thus concludeth the Twelve Hates of Christmas, Christmyths, Christmess (whatever you want to call it) and the celebration of the coming of the Santa Christ.

3 comments:

Mrs. Levine said...

Loved this one! I used to have a white faux leather Precious Moments bible that my younger half-brother chewed on when he was teething and then was eventually swept away in a tornado. Remember Precious Moments? They're really creepy and sad looking.

Saxon said...

Oh, snap!

Heretic Tom said...

Precious Moments are frightening. I may have to do a post on them today.

In a tornado? Yikes. My tent got blown away in a tornado, when I was about 10. It's was frighteningly exciting. BTW, I was not in the tent. As soon as the storm started coming, my parents brought us inside.

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