Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I Hate the Morning After Elections: Welcome to California, Maine

     FUX News reports:

     Last night, thirty-one states passed voter-initiated ballot referenda to protect and/or reestablish the values of traditional marriage across the United States of Jesus (USJ).   As expected the margin of victory for traditional marriage was largest in the Confederate States of Limbaugh and the Great Mormon Basin, where the margin of victory was an average of 3:1.  In New Colonial England, across the Unleavened Breadbasket, and up and down the Western Marijuana Coast, the margin of victory was razor thin, less than one half of one percent in some incessantly progressive states. 

     What does this mean for our “one nation under God” and all of God’s sacredly married couples?


     Furthermore, amendments to the referenda, introduced by Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, included a further provision to deport all children of such marriages to the land of origin of the non-white parent.  President Barack Hussein Obama's resignation will be telecast today at noon on FUX News.  Shortly thereafter, Sen. Richard Shelby (R) of Alabama will escort Citizen Hussein Obama to Ronald Reagan International Airport where Hussein Obama will fly coach to Kenya, where he has been offered the Presidency of that nation.  Good-bye and good riddance to all children of racially mixed marriages.  The American people have spoken at the ballot box!

     Secondly, provisions in the successful referenda introduced by the Roman Catholic Church further preserve traditional marriage.  Effective immediately, all USJ civil marriage law is repealed.  Here forth, Roman Catholic Canon Law is our national law.  Divorce is illegal, but Church sanctioned annulments are not.  Artificial Contraception is illegal.  Per the provisions of Canon 1084.1, any person suffering impotence is no longer allowed to be married.  Only Christian marriage is to be taught in the schools (Canon 1063.1).  The Pope is now the decider for all law concerning marriage (Canon 1075).

     Finally, in the Confederate States of Limbaugh, laws forbidding marriage between first cousins were banned, in order to allow for the tradition of southern inbreeding to be practiced openly and in accordance with Biblical tradition.  Six thousand years ago, when God created only one man and one woman who walked among the dinosaurs, and when Father Adam started shooting blanks after having only two sons, Mother Eve made the ultimate sacrifice for the future of the human race and seduced her fratricidal son Cain to bear some girls.  Cain’s children bore children with Cain and one another, until finally our holy family was six billion strong.  If you don’t believe this, then move to Canada, because this is all true.  The Bible and, now, our constitution tell us so.

     Opponents of the Sacred Covenant of Marriage Laws are looking to blame somebody for their monumental loss: Catholics, people of color, atheists, themselves.  Many are blaming their fallen savior President Hussein Obama, who remained quiet throughout the referenda campaigns, citing George Bush’s “recession” and the holy oil wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, as the real challenges facing America.

     Leaders of Equality for All Sinners (losers!) are looking on the bright side.  Tommy R of Little Gay Boys Deserve Marriage Too released a statement this morning:
     While we suffered monumental losses last night across the nation, we see it as a reason to hope.  Times are changing.  We only lost by a margin of 3:1in the South. One hundred and fifty years ago, we would have lost by a margin of 4:1.  And six thousand years ago, we would have lost two votes to zero. Also, we can take heart that in the South, the "everything but slavery" bills barely passed.
     Tommy R is looking down the road to 2020, when he hopes to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to lose by a 2:1 margin.  Good luck with that, gayboy!

     So, as this election year is now over, we look ahead to next year’s referenda.  Early polling shows support for three bills: the Church of Christ supported Biblically Compassionate Slavery bill; the Roman Catholic Church bill to rename the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, Crusades 2.0; and, finally, the Christian Scientist backed Return to Biblical Healthcare bill.  Let’s all start praying to Jesus now that they pass.

     Until then, Andy Coulter of FUX News reporting.  God bless us, every one.