Thursday, October 15, 2009

I Hate Satan: Part II, Ways to Use Satan to Control

     Here are just a few methods for using your belief in Satan to get what you want in life. I hate them all.


  • The Hellfire Method
     It’s helpful to use Satan to control people by threatening them with eternal hellfire and brimstone. As they said in Field of Dreams: “If you scare them, they will come.” (Or something like that.) This method has been proven extremely successful by preachers and parents.


     Subtext: “You will go to hell or Gehenna (whatever cozy name you create) and be tortured for eternity by Satan if you don’t adhere to how I interpret god’s will.” Or “I love you so much, that I’m going to threaten you until you do what I want you to do, because I’m too frightened and weak-minded to act on my own without everyone being just like me and doing what I want them to do.”
     Jesus loved this method and even used it to encourage self-mutilation. (Mt 5:22, 29-30)
     St. Paul absolutely adored it (2 Cor 11:14, 2 Thes 2:9, 1 Tim 1:20)
  • The Mirror Method
     This method is best used in situations where someone’s differences make you see something in yourself that you don’t like, that you are too afraid to face. In this instance, simply project that little bit of Satan in your own heart onto your brothers and sisters. You’ll feel much better for it, and you’ll protect your false self in the process.
     The best known example of the Mirror Method is Jesus’ “Get behind me you, Satan!” to Saint Peter. (Mt 16:23, Mk 8:33) Jesus employed this method after Peter, who could see the writing on the wall that Jesus was going to get himself crucified, expressed his logical and loving concern for Jesus’ well being. But Peter’s concern just made Jesus doubt himself and feel tempted to abandon his death-wish-on-the-cross mission, so he simply deflected his fear and uncertainty onto Peter.
     Peter, the first pope according to Catholics, was called Satan by Jesus. Wow, maybe I’ll be pope someday!


  • The “What Me?” Method
     Employ this method by using statements like “The devil made me do it.” Use it to get out of situations where you don’t want to deal with the consequences of your own actions or admit your own selfish desires.
     In other words, “I have no control over my own actions, so I have to blame some imaginary demon within me, because there really isn’t a part of me that is capable of doing anything wrong or hurtful, and as long as the devil made me do it and I’m sorry, then I’m still a good person and god loves me and will give me everything I want in heaven.”
     Or be poetic about it, and blame the thorn in your side. (1 Cor 7:5, 2 Cor 2:11, 2 Cor 12:7)
  • The Aversion Method
     Satan is everybody’s favorite when it comes to dealing with a person who says or does something of which you disapprove or whose actions you can’t explain.  In this case, it’s best to use the Aversion Method. Rather than go through all the dirty work of trying to dialogue with them and find some common ground, simply call them Satan and move on from them, shaking their demonic dust from your shoes.
     Clarification: this method is more a dismissal of a person than the Hellfire Method, which is more about keeping someone in the fold.
     Jesus was fond of the aversion method and even commissioned his disciples to use it regularly. (Lk 13:16, Mt 10:14, Mk 6:11, Lk 9:5)
     St. Paul loved it, too. (Rom 1:27, 1 Cor 5, 1 Tim 5:15)
  • The Total War Method
     If someone is different, then they are Satan, evil, possessed, etc. and need to be destroyed. Attack them. Stone them. Kill them. Burn every last vestige of the fact they ever existed. Exercise them from your memory. Un-invite them from your slumber party. Delete them from your cell phone. De-friend them on Facebook!
     In the Old Testament, this method is what the Israelites used to back up their theory of total war: “the ban.” This is why everywhere they went and whenever they encountered people with different gods than their Yahweh, they invaded their enemies, burned everything (including their crops), and killed everyone (including their livestock, women, and children). Don’t believe me? Just read your Old Testament cover to cover.
     This method has inspired such great historic triumphs as the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Nazis, and countless jihads currently being waged throughout the world.
     A few biblical examples: Joshua 6:18-21, 1 Sam 15:3-20, 1 Sam 30:17, Ezk 44:29, Rom 11:20-22.

Postscript:  If you are wondering what my favorite method is, I deplore them all. But, the one to which I’m most prone is the Aversion Method. It’s a real gut check, when I realize I’m using it.