Sunday, October 18, 2009

Confession #2

Forgive me, Father Hate, for I have sinned. It’s been one week since my last confession.

This week was horrible. I hate this fucking blog. What was I thinking? Somewhere in my crazy mind, I thought that people might actually enjoy seeing someone put all their inner crap out there. I thought that it might be therapeutic for them as well as me, but instead I’m in some deep crap.

Haven’t you been reading my posts?

And the comments?

Well that explains it. You see, two of my closest friends posted comments telling me that I’m offensive, Satan, and evil and that they don’t want anything to do with me. Fifteen years of friendship gone like that! I’m ill over it.

That doesn’t help, Father.

And why should I feel happy?

That’s bull, Father. They were—they are—my real friends. And, this is the first time that I know of that I've done anything to piss them off.  One strike and I'm out.  

You’re wrong.  All this therapy, religion, blogs, honesty, catharsis, coming out, expression, etc. etc. it’s absolute bullshit, Father. All of it!

Because everything in life is so transitory. Fragile. No matter how hard we try, any minute it can be taken away forever. I always said the fragility of everything made me appreciate life and people all the more, but as I get older there’s probably less life ahead of me than behind me, the constant loss in life is suddenly…overwhelming. I mean, if friends and family can discard an entire history built on understanding and intimacy in a blog comment, if people are left starving on the streets in a country where there’s enough for everyone, if religious superiors can order subordinates to lie about sexual crimes so that clerics can go on abusing, if democratic nations can invade and occupy countries under false pretenses, if a child can die of an aneurism while playing in the backyard, if all these things can happen and everyone gets away with it, then what’s the point? Why try to connect with anyone at all?

No, Father. I disagree. I’m in the pit, and the pit sucks.

What?

No, Father. “It” will not rub the lotion on its skin!

I don’t get it.

Silence of the Lambs?

Seriously?

I’m in the pit—the pit of depression! And, no matter how many times I climb out and fill it in, it always opens up when I least expect it and sucks me back in. And you know what? I was actually feeling much better last week. I felt a great deal of peace after getting all that pent up anger out in my blog posts and channeling it into creative energy and humor. Suddenly, the things that were driving me crazy didn’t seem to matter as much. But then the comment got posted and it all went to hell. I’m back in the pit.

What do you mean “it gets the hose”?

You’re a sick man. Seriously, Father. Seek help.



Ah! Ah! Ah! 

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

4 comments:

Mrs. Levine said...

Dearest Tom,

Don't stop. It is worth it. In response to Sara and Susie's specific comment about switching between being a songwriter and a poet and a priest and what have you, they act like that is annoying and that they've had to stick by your side through all of those things and being gay. Geez, you've been such a burden and now you attack their religion, too.

I'm not having it. Being a writer, a priest, an artist, a gay man in the Midwest, these are things that make you an extraordinary human being to know. It's the essence of what makes you a fascinating writer. Anyone can see that writing these things makes your heart bleed. Yes, it is joking but of course you are serious. It is a painful process of embracing yourself and who you were put on this earth to be. If they refuse to see the tenderness and pain, then let them keep the log in their eyes. Don't stop.

As much as it hurts, I don't think that they have ever loved you as you are and what a shame. Shame on them. I'll try to find it in my heart to pray for them, as much as they'll hate that. What you lose in their friendship you gain in us, your readers. Don't stop.

If you're headed to hell, then I'd rather be there.

love,
Mrs. Levine

oddleft said...

i love your blog and i know it doesn't mean as much since i'm not your closest friend, but if they got so offended i think it's more their problem. This is your blog, and you're not writing to please anyone. My bf also doesn't like my blog... he didn't like the idea of it from the beginning, but I like my blog. it's for me.
all we can do is be ourselves ey?

Danielle Lenglet said...

Tom,

I agree with Mrs. Levine. It's worth it. I was raised Catholic and I think there is so much insight and truth to what you are saying. There are many of us who are with you. We feel connected to your posts. We laugh and cry and we get what you're saying. If certain people can't understand what you're doing, that's their stuff, not your issue. Keep going!

Ht. Tom said...

Thank you, friends. It's good to know that there are people out there who are getting this site and the voice it's putting out there. Thanks for reading.